never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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