She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
The power of my boobs compel you
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
