:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
