You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
