i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
