guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
