My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
