i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
you would pick up someone in the library
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
