I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
