does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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