i would punch a child for taco bell
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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