I'm pants shitting drunk right now
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
