The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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