I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
