I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
