Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
