I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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