you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
