Princesses don't give blow jobs
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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