God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
