I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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