He uses pillows to masturbate.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
