Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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