nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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