currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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