i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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