NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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