I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
