Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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