I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
