She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
