i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
And then my night got REAL pukey
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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