Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
