it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
