I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
