Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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