My sheets look like a crime scene.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Randomize
