did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
