I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
