If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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