bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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