i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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