so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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