The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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