Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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