don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
