Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Randomize
