We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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