hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Randomize
