So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
