I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
